Think back to the first time you said ‘no’ to a parent. Think back to the first time you refused to hang out with friends who made you uncomfortable. Think back to the first time you wore what you wanted to wear regardless of who said what. When thinking of these moments, you might now feel a sense of pride in your ability to stand up for yourself, but with some retrospection, you may realize that initially this pride and feeling of self-respect may have been cloaked by guilt, shame, and a feeling of callousness towards the receiver of your boundary. This brings us to a very important question - why does setting a boundary feel like punishing the other person?
What you think happens when you set a boundary.
When you are raised to be kind, respectful, and agreeable, saying ‘no’ or refusing to bend over backwards for someone feels like a betrayal to your whole being, even though it isn’t. There’s a high likelihood that when you set a boundary, there’s a voice inside your head that says, ‘Oh my! How dare you!’, and this voice is not yours - it is a collective echo of your parents, your culture, and every single person who taught you that your own levels of comfort are unimportant.
The amount of shame and guilt associated with setting boundaries is not recognized enough, because people don’t like talking about it, because people believe that it is never an option to have a boundary. Spoiler alert - it is an option. Because human beings are social beings, our anatomy is driven to seek approval from others, and we are taught that drawing boundaries means isolating ourselves, but some situations and people require distance from you.
Another thing you think happens is a complete estrangement from the relationship, which, again, is in your hands - boundaries are flexible, editable, and not situated in permanency, because of the simple fact that relationships and our existence are not situated in permanency. Of course, I don’t mean to say you can change your boundaries daily and not communicate this to the other person, but you can definitely reevaluate your boundaries based on the new and growing relationship.
What the receiver of the boundary thinks happens.
The receiver of the boundary rarely sees this as a healthy expression of self-preservation; it is immediately taken with confusion, misinterpretation, and defense. They get deeply hurt, because they don’t see this boundary as something that governs YOUR behavior - they see it as a rule or ultimatum which is meant to restrain THEIR behavior. Boundaries are never made with vindication towards the other person, but always for the safety of the self - and wanting a stable and safe sense of self is not a crime. They see it as an end to the relationship - not in the same way as you may initially see it. You may see it from a sense of guilt, but they see it from a sense of blame and rejection. They don’t see boundaries as a way to preserve the connection, but always view them as an attack to end the relationship.
But most importantly, setting a boundary takes away the receiver’s control, and they’re not big fans of that. Their internal narrative may be from a self-victimization point of view: ‘How could you be so cold?’ ‘Do I not mean anything to you?’ and ‘Did you ever love me?’ may be some words that come out during boundary setting.
All these things being said, the receiver may also experience a sense of rejection if they have a history of rejection or have triggers associated with an anxious attachment style. They may, therefore, not process the boundary logically, but may see it as a loss of access or loss of love towards you, and this can be difficult, too. But boundaries are meant for this purpose - to understand how much we want to give to whom, when, and where. It is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to help them acclimatize to your boundaries. I don’t mean to say give them a cold shoulder - I mean to say hold space for your feelings as well, and that may involve an inability to explain things to others, and that’s fine.
What actually happens when you set a boundary
No one has ever said that setting boundaries is easy, and I affirm it - it is probably one of the most difficult interpersonal decisions you may make, but there is a lot of freedom, sense of security, and sense of control in setting a boundary and remaining committed to it.
Yes, people will get angry, upset, and downright rude, and this may even make you question your boundaries, but if you set boundaries in a manner that is clear, consistent, and most importantly, communicated, they can help improve your self-respect, independence, and interpersonal relationships in massive ways - ways that you may have never thought possible.
Setting a boundary has never been a crime or a sin, and being able to respect your comfort and set your limitations is something that can be scary and may take some getting used to, but when you learn to set them, the benefits are enormous.
If you’re someone who is trying to learn to set boundaries and are unsure how to go about it, therapy can help. You don’t have to do this alone. :)