How are you? No, I don’t mean how work is going or how difficult compassion fatigue has been lately. I mean, how you are feeling, as a person. When was the last time someone asked you that and you answered without worrying about being a ‘burden’? You know, the field we’re in is a very taxing one - it demands a lot of things from you, and amidst those demands, you forget to check in with yourself. How often are you allowing yourself to be someone who needs care?
The Things We Don't Always Talk About
Being a therapist is a lot of action - listening, understanding, interpreting, paraphrasing, and all the other skills in Ivey’s model. We are constantly learning about theories and models that will help us provide clients with the best support we can, but very rarely do we learn about self-care, boundary setting, and managing the various roles we play other than being a therapist.
How do we process and let go of heavy sessions? How do we deal with the feeling of just not being enough? How do we forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made in session - yes, we regret them, but do we forgive ourselves? Which textbook teaches you this? Being emotionally present while acknowledging that you’re a human being with your own emotions and responses - which masterclass will help us learn this?
You Are Allowed to Not Have All the Answers
I know you wish you could take away the pain your clients are experiencing, and I know you wish you could provide them with all the answers to their unanswered questions, but these are wishes, and you are human. Competence, preparation, ethics - these are the cornerstones of therapy, but perfectionism always sits on our shoulders asking, ‘But did I do well enough?’
The transition from academic learning to clinical practice comes with its own uncertainties - how do I conceptualize? How do I implement what I learnt? How do I help my client implement what they learnt? Sometimes, you won’t know. I know there are times when I don’t know. Your skills are not the same as your competence and your worth. It is very important that you take accountability and responsibility for learning and upskilling, but being relentlessly self-critical has never really been in the syllabus. You can be a good therapist and still have things to learn. Both can be true.
Who Takes care of The Person Who Holds Space?
For all our talk about self-care, we surely find it tough to implement the same in our own professional lives. Difficult conversations may make us extend the session. We might find it hard to say ‘no’ even though we have a fully booked schedule, and sometimes there is barely time between sessions to pause, let alone process. Who takes care of you?
We often encourage our clients to recognise their emotional needs, establish boundaries, make time for rest, and seek support when things become overwhelming. We understand the importance of these practices, and yet, implementing them in our own professional lives can be surprisingly difficult. The work we do: one day off isn’t self-care. Having realistic workloads, adequate breaks, access to supervision, supportive professional relationships, and professional and personal boundaries - this is what self-care looks like in our field. Recognizing that asking for support does not make you less capable is also self-care.
You Are More than the Work You Do
You sit with people and share their moments of vulnerability, uncertainty, loss, trauma, and change, and join them in celebrating their moments of joy, achievement, and progress. This is very meaningful work, but it is also emotionally demanding.
I hope you remember you’re a person first, and that your identity does not only involve being a therapist. You are allowed to feel angry. You are allowed to lose patience. You are allowed to experience your personal struggles in ways that fit you. You are allowed to be uncertain and need reassurance. You are allowed to be a person having a difficult day.
Your experiences matter. Your relationships matter. Your interests, dislikes, joy, rest, and emotional exhaustion - all of it matters. You deserve to have spaces where you aren't expected to listen, facilitate, regulate, or hold everything together.
A Little Reminder, Human to Human
No one tells you this, do they? No one sits with you and explains that therapy is not just about skills and knowledge, but also about what it takes to keep showing up. No one teaches you to ask for spaces where you can fall apart. No one teaches you that your emotional expression doesn’t always have to be ‘professional’ or ‘therapist-like’. No one teaches you to show yourself the same compassion you show your clients.
So, dear therapist, I hope you are checking in with yourself. I hope you are taking your breaks, reaching out when you need support, and allowing yourself to step away when you can. I hope you have people with whom you can be honest about the difficult parts of your work. I hope you remember that boundaries are not a withdrawal of care, and that rest is not something you need to earn through exhaustion. I hope you are making room for a life that is yours, beyond the sessions you conduct and the people you support. I hope you remember that being human is not a professional shortcoming. You did not start your life as a therapist - you started it as a child who knew nothing about the world, and sometimes, it’s important to give yourself some grace for being a work in progress. You have so much love, care, and warmth for the people sitting in front of you - I hope you are able to turn some of that inward, too. You deserve it. We all do.
With warmth,
A fellow human behind the therapy.